dreaming of clouds
by Teakany
Summary: Alfred wishes Matthew would stop this self destructive behavior... but all he can do is stand by and watch. one shot. sad ending. rated T for swearing and subject matter. past twincest referenced. disclaimer: I don't own hetalia.


**It's sad, fair warning. no happy endings here.**

"Mattie… Jesus fuck. You gotta stop this bro!" Matthew hears Alfred exclaim from the door. he's undoubtedly glaring at Matthew, who currently lays on the bed staring unblinkingly upwards. clothing absent and bed sheets a ruffled mess.

"Stop what?" Matthew asks absently as he stares at the ceiling, finding little animals and objects in the bumps of the popcorn ceiling.

"Fucking every guy who bats an eye at you for one! Don't even get me started on whatever the hell you took with him..." Alfred sounds angry now

"Don't wanna " he concentrates on the feeling of the pillows beneath him. It was like being on a cloud… Except dryer. What would it be like to really sleep on a cloud. Matthew wasn't sure.

Alfred sighs "Who was it this time?"

Matthew shrugs and contemplates how hard it would be to make a cloud…. Just to see what it felt like.. "Didn't catch a name. Don't think he caught mine either… My name isn't Antonio is it? That's what he kept moaning..." Matthew muses almost sweetly at the memory. The man in question had the prettiest green eyes… Matthew liked green eyes. Though, he liked blue better, blue like Alfred's… He smiles softly and he continues, "You never called me Antonio though. Just 'Mattie Mattie , oh Mattie!'" he lazily makes an attempt to copy, a shiver of desire running through him at the memory. "I liked the way you use to call my name…"

"Matthew… Come on… Is that what this is all about?! It was wrong okay? You're my brother. I thought after how dad reacted you'd realize..."

"Didn't care what I was back then" Matthew smiles wider and turns his head to stare up from a different angle "Is that why you don't like it? Are you jealous Alfred? I remember you use to hold me, whisper that I was only yours. You would never let anyone else touch me and tell me you would never let anything happen to what was yours."

he heard the groan of a chair being sat in and a sigh "Mattie… I…." his voice grew smaller "I still don't want to let them… I still want to protect you."

Matthew shrugs. his mind wandering around the room. Would a cloud made indoors rain? That could be problematic… They sit in silence for a few moments before Matthew speaks, "You told me I was free. free to do what I wanted. Not yours anymore. So that's what I'm doing, exactly what and who I want. " He smiles remembering "I thought you had stopped caring completely. would have been better really... "

"I could never stop caring about you" Alfred growls.

"I know, and that's why you follow me isn't it? Find me in places like this… Make me go home and tuck me in bed before you leave again" he reached a hand up as if to twist his fingers in a cloud that was only in his imagination. "I heard you ya know… When you were screaming at that man last week. You growled that I was yours… I wonder why…"

"Because I want you to be"

Matthew chuckled. "I'd never stop you from taking me back. I liked being yours. I liked when we'd argue and you'd pin me to the wall and set me straight. Tell me I wasn't going anywhere because I belonged to you."

"But they found out Mattie…" Matthew shrugged frowning. he didn't like listening to the logical side of things. Alfred knew that. "If there was someway Mattie I would. You know that."

"You know there is. You just won't let me." his fingers were moving to spell out words no one could see.

Alfred stood, Matthew could hear the screech of protest in the wood. "Of course I won't fucking let you Matthew! How could I?! I don't want you if it's that way! You need to stay here and finish school and become a doctor! just like you wanted to..."

"And if it's what I want? What if I want to give up on what I use to want?"

"That's not fair Mattie… Don't even talk about it… Just… Go back home and rest."

Matthew frowns "If i do that you'll leave again…"

"Is that why you do this? Just to keep luring me back out?"

Matthew shrugs "I could always count of that hero complex of yours. I'm surprised it still hung on after what happened." could he make the cloud different colours? A red cloud would be pretty… But would it rain red… No… That would look like blood. Purple then, a purple cloud.

There's a bitter chuckle from behind his head and he forgets the cloud for a second. "Not doing me any good right now is it?" the bed shifts beside him, and suddenly Als face hovers about his. Matthew feels his heart in his throat as he looks at the stunning man.

"I don't care if you can't save me anymore… As long as you keep wanting to"

"I'll always want to Mattie…"

Matthew raises his hand, aiming for the messy golden locks, the smooth sun kissed skin, the warmth that radiates from his eyes…

He reaches for the face that isn't there. hand touching thin air, just like touching a cloud he thinks sadly.

"I'm sorry you did. It should have been me you know… He was aiming for me."

"I know.." says the fading voice, as fingers move in the space Matthew is certain was occupied seconds before "But I'll never be sorry for doing it." even softer the voice whispers as if in his ear, "Please go home Mattie. Please stop doing this to yourself."

Matthews eyes ease closed. "Don't wanna."

"What kind of cloud would you want Alfred?" he wonders aloud, voice numb, an unfelt tear rolling from his eye and onto the bed. He receives no answer


End file.
